Advice for Gentlemen

Foreword:

It has been my pleasure to meet many charming and intelligent gentlemen of a certain age. However, to my overwhelming dismay, most of them, upon deciding it is past time they looked to the family fortunes and fine a bride, fall idle, unsure of how to proceed.

As I have helped so many gentlemen find suitable companions, my only regret is that more young men do not have the benefit of my advice. Hence, it was suggested that I take pen in hand and commit my thoughts on these matters to parchment for posterity. I trust that gentlemen reading this take my words to heart and profit from my advice.

Above all, remember: "Faint Heart Ne'er Won Fair Lady!" Romance is a pursuit for the courageous. Timid men must take bold actions. Bold men must exercise their passions. Passionate men may have the greatest natural aptitude in successfully wooing the lady of their choice, but even they may benefit from the advice contained herein.

Advice for Gentlemen

by Lady I____

Table of Contents:

1. Choosing a Bride
2. Wooing a Woman
3. Proposing
4. Persistence
5. Engagement
6. Settlements
7. Married Life
8. Love, Profane
9. Love, Sacred
10. Happily Ever After

Choosing a Bride

In choosing a bride, you must look first to the obvious qualities of a good wife. She must come of good family, and be dowered appropriately. It helps if she is socially well-connected, either of your own family, or a family that has some previous congenial alliance with your family.

But, aside from the obvious traits, you must look to more pragmatic, but occasionally neglected criteria. Is she faithful to her words? Will she bear children for your line? Does she minister to her estates harmoniously? Can she set fashions as well as she follows them? A good bride will not be afraid to speak her mind, but will know when it is wisest to keep silent. This is not to say you should look for a meek woman to wife. On the contrary, if she cannot stand against you, she will not stand up for you. A trustworthy wide is also a woman of boldness and plain speaking, especially with those she admires and trusts.

These traits are desirable not solely in women, but in men as well. When searching for a wife, bear in mind that women admire those qualities they cultivate in themselves. To attract a worthy bride, it behooves you to emulate those characteristics most desirable in a wife.

Wooing a Woman

The prospect of wooing a woman has caused many gentlemen untold amounts of angst. The truth of the matter is that wooing a woman is a very simple task, made elaborate only by over-literal minds who do not understand the underlying principles. When wooing a woman, your goal is to a) suggest your interest in her and b) leave her space to gracefully turn you down.

Every woman responds differently to different tactics. Some prefer to have their attention captured with a thoughtful gift. Others require time spent in conversation to show your interest. As long as you do not push yourself on her, either metaphorically or physically, she will likely respond with a noticeable deepening of interest, or let you know with lukewarm reception that she is not overly receptive to your suit.

Yet, even in the latter case, do not abandon all hope. Some women are, but their very nature, somewhat reserved. A response you consider less than enthusiastic may be her way of letting you know she respects your overtures, but is still unsure of where you stand. That is when you must take action, and test the waters.

Proposal

When proposing, the simplest approach is often the best. Take her aside for a moment of conversation, and then ask if she would consent to marry you. If she regards your suit favorably, and agrees, then you may, depending on your location, offer her some small gesture of physical affection. Take her hand and kiss it. It is a gallant gesture that may speak volumes.

The tender time immediately following a proposal is for reassuring your bride-to-be that she has made a good match in you. Be yourself, but now is not the time to question her about her dowry or tell her which of her relations you don't like. Enjoy the glow of the moment.

Persistence

First, never be frightened of proposing to a woman you would have in marriage. Even the stoniest of maidens is secretly flattered by a proposal from an eligible gentleman. And only the cruelest wantons will condemn you for asking. Most women will admire your courage and welcome your companionship, even if they do not accept your proposal.

If done respectfully and with confidence, even her refusal could lay the groundwork for a future success. Indeed, may women will refuse a first proposal on principle, believing with some degree of rightness, that how a gentleman handles defeat is a true test of his character. The man who can propose, be refused, and remain congenial and attentive, is a prize many women would trade large dowries for.

Therefore, as long as you do not press yourself too aggressively, do not be afraid to cultivate the friendship of the woman you have proposed to, and after a suitable time, do not be afraid to ask again.

Engagement

Most young people today anticipate several engagements before they finally marry. A long engagement is a benefit to both parties, allowing them time and greater opportunity to spend time in each other's company. It is no shame to have been engaged three or fours times before you eventually marry. But, neither is it seemly to engage yourself to someone you would not otherwise marry.

Enjoy your engagement. Even if you are absolutely certain you wish to marry the woman who has accepted your proposal, do not feel you need to rush through the intervening stages. Your relationship with your bride-to-be during this period sets the tone for the rest of your lives together. Make it as pleasant for yourselves as possible. This is perhaps the only time in your life you will be actively encouraged to smell the roses during long walks in the park.

Settlements

Above all, marriage is an institution to preserve out line, our culture and our way of life. Though bearing and raising children is the essential goal of married life, the best security we can give our children is a stable family and fruitful economy. Each marriage should be negotiated not merely for the advantage of the man and woman taking vows to each other, but for the families supporting these individuals.

I have found that it is best to defer to one's elders in negotiating the property aspects of a marriage. It is best to leave such complicated transactions to those who have witnessed what has gone before, and who have a better idea as to how the marriage settlement may best serve the family.

Married Life

Once married, it serves one best to cultivate a deeper degree of kinship and affection for one's spouse, even outside the bedchamber. Marriage does not append you wife to your household, but blends the two houses together. The degree of success felt by your estates and tenantry is symbolized to a great degree by the level of harmony between you and your spouse. It is not necessary that you live like cooing birds, constantly sweet and cloying. But it is proper that your meetings and your conversations be characterized by mutual respect and a degree of affection I have best described as familial.

In time, you will grow to love your wife, not merely with the superficial affection of a lover, but the deep and abiding affection one feels towards close family. Such an arrangement of trust and love serves to sake both your houses stronger. Keep this in mind, when choosing a bride. Introduce your bride-to-be to a female relative of whom you are particularly fond. If she makes a favorable impression upon those whose opinions you value, you have likely chosen well.

Love, Profane

It is often said that "good marriage ensures the lineage", but a good marriage does nothing for the lineage if it does not also produce children. When choosing a wife, do not choose a woman you find physically repellent. Although it is true a certain amount of love can be cultivated after you are married, if you do not feel some native affection for your bride, the chances of conceiving happily are far less. Further commentary I will leave to the discretion of your close kin.

Love, Sacred

It is a great blessing to discover, after you have married a wonderful woman, that you have also come to love her greatly. Even outside the marriage bed, if you enjoy her companionship and find romantic gestures come easily to you, consider yourself fortunate.

However, as this is an imperfect world, many people, though they respect and admire the individuals they have married, find themselves inexorably attracted to people they are not married to. There is no shame in this. The shame lies only with those who disgrace their spouses with scandals and ill-treatment.

It is no shame to love, but love such as this, you must realize, is on a different spiritual level than love of home, family or wife. Keep your feelings abstracted and noble. Visit your lover, if you must, but keep yourself above earthly matters, and never call attention to yourself when you do so. Pass the time in pleasant conversation, and regard her as you would regard Shiliya. She is a noble being who may bring light to your life, but should remain above you, never touching. Regard her as you would a sacred object. This is the true meaning of sacred love.

Happily Ever After

If you follow my advice, you should win a bride worthy of you. With my blessing, enjoy your marriage, and look for my next treatise on The Proper Comportment for Married Gentlemen.