Frogs and Heretics

Komaru Mikomi releases "Frogs and Heretics" in the year 226. Advance copies and first-night tickets are available to interested Komaru; first-night tickets are also available to nobles that request them and others who buy them.

This play is set in the mythical land of Tamujin, home to strange beasts and monsters, and focuses on the quest to choose a consort for Tamujin's crown princess. Two candidates come forward. One has a long history of virtue and honor, marred somewhat by a recent excommunication. His parents, who rule a small duchy somewhere, involve themselves but little. The other candidate is the child of the semi-human Frog Lord and one of his amphibious subjects. The result appears to be . . . an ordinary frog. Since the frog cannot speak, his father takes on the duty of representing him.

The princess has a difficult time choosing between the two candidates. Accordingly, the court of Tamujin appoints a panel to decide the matter. This panel consists of three members: a moral priest, an important noble, and an honest woman. After much deliberation and many interviews with the candidates, the panel ultimately rules in favor of the frog. Excerpts from two scenes and the epilogue follow.

FROM SCENE 4: THE MANTLE OF AUTHORITY The three panelists stand or sit behind a high bench. On the other side is the Frog Lord and his son, represented by a large wooden frog or a human in heavy makeup. A glorious cloak adorns this frog.

FROG LORD: Before we proceed to the business at hand, I would like to note an addition to my son's wardrobe.

IMPORTANT: It is indeed a very fine mantle, and sets off his warts most fashionably.

FROG LORD: And well it should; for this is the mantle of authority that he wears.

IMPORTANT: Mm.

MORAL: Ah!

FROG LORD: That is to say, it is the inherited virtue of his nature; that part of his fine personal integrity that he received from me and from my ancestors before me. It represents the distilled wisdom, honor, and merit of the people he governs and the great deeds of all those who have come before him. You have questioned his right to stand among the highest peers of the realm; this is my answer.

HONEST: A cloak.

IMPORTANT: And a compelling cloak indeed. Perhaps we have been led astray, to concentrate so thoroughly on the personal qualities of the aspirants, such as whether one is a frog and the other an excommunicate. This can only be to the detriment of weighing and measuring the true source of their qualifications; that being, the quality of their blood, and the willingness of their relatives to back them with the prestige of that blood.

MORAL: Am I not mistaken to see the symbol of my church woven into that fabric?

FROG LORD: Indeed, when having it woven I ordered that it make all possible appearances of piety.

MORAL: Commendable!

IMPORTANT: Then the matter is settled; for I see no such cloak on the shoulders of the other candidate.

MORAL: [aside] He has not yet arrived.

IMPORTANT: [coughs] Yes, well, I cannot be expected to keep track of everything. [He pulls a sheaf of papers from under his coat, shuffles them, and directs his gaze thereupon.] I was distracted by these reports on the urgent military needs of our realm.

FROG LORD: I hesitate to tear you away from such matters; still, perhaps they could wait until the conclusion of our talk?

IMPORTANT: [looking relieved] Of course.

HONEST: If you will forgive an ignorant question, your grace; could you explain how it came to pass that this cloak acquired the distilled wisdom, honor, and merit of the people your son governs?

FROG LORD: I am happy to expound upon it at length. Consider the head of a single household; of, that is, one family that toils upon my family's lands. This person is responsible for the actions of several others. When they prosper, he is the source of their prosperity. When they suffer, he bears the moral burden of their suffering. Should they live lives of perfect virtue, surely he is the one who sets them on this path. Should they walk a path of abject degeneracy, again, he is to blame.

IMPORTANT: A reasonable supposition.

FROG LORD: Now imagine a lady that governs five such families. Surely, while her influence on each individual life is smaller, her decisions still guide them all. Their virtue and prosperity remains in some sense a mirror of her own. Imagine a lord who oversees five such ladies; a lady who speaks for five such lords; and, at the top of this chain of rule, you find myself and my son. In this manner do the deeds of the peasants vest my son with a magnificent garment containing the very essence of all their striving and good faith.

MORAL: I declare that I am satisfied, with the caveat that the Light, in fact, stands one step higher than yourself upon this hypothetical chain.

FROG LORD: As long as the Light continues to express its support for me through its servants, I am happy to acknowledge its benevolent rule over us all.

IMPORTANT: I should have such a garment made for myself.

MORAL: I believe the intention, your grace, is that the garment is symbolic of something you already have; that being, the virtue and worth of your own peasants and land.

IMPORTANT: Ah, yes. I had momentarily forgotten that I in fact had peasants and land.

HONEST: To help us with our decision, could you list some of the specific ways in which your son has served as a moral or practical guide to those below him in the hierarchy you name?

FROG LORD: Indeed yes. First and foremost, of course, there is his example.

MORAL: Mm, yes, the example.

FROG LORD: His many sterling qualities serve in and of themselves to inspire those who serve our name.

HONEST: But---

IMPORTANT: [raises a hand] I anticipate my cohort's objection, and note that the point of the mantle is to illustrate how your son has virtues above and beyond his personal qualities. Seeing as how he is a frog, he can only truly inspire others to croak and eat flies.

FROG LORD: Worthy causes both, and a cut above standard peasant activities.

MORAL: I have often thought that sitting on lilypads would cultivate the frame of mind one needs for proper meditation on the Light.

FROG LORD: In that case, I note that he can also inspire others to sit on lilypads.

IMPORTANT: I must disagree with my moral peer. Sitting on lilypads may cultivate virtue and good character. At the same time, it is a virtuous act of the sort in which individuals of our station should not engage.

MORAL: You assert that certain virtues are inappropriate to the nobility?

IMPORTANT: My claim is not so controversial. Rather, I simply note that ultimately, morality must bend its knee to fashionability.

MORAL: Well, hearing it put so eloquently, I cannot truly disagree.

FROG LORD: He has also inspired others through his negative qualities.

MORAL: Has he?

FROG LORD: Many a fair maiden has been tempted to infidelity---to violating, in short, the marriage bond---only to look at him and realize, "There are worse things to sleep with than my husband."

IMPORTANT: Surely not! He has a title and a dashing croak.

FROG LORD: Oh! I mean no offense. These things are certainly enough for many goodwives, but not, you understand, for all.

IMPORTANT: Ah.

HONEST: But---

IMPORTANT: Yes, in any case, you were to list another direct benefit that your son has offered, besides personal inspiration.

FROG LORD: He has tirelessly dedicated his time to the needs of my people.

IMPORTANT: [stunned] Has he really?

FROG LORD: Well, no, but I do like to say it.

IMPORTANT: Then by all means, I shall not challenge the claim.

HONEST: But neither can we accept it.

MORAL: Granted. This is clearly a case in which the virtuous course of action is to nod our heads wisely and then delete the statement from our mental records.

IMPORTANT: I am as ever grateful for your moral leadership.

FROG LORD: There is a subtler virtue that I believe I can name, that more than justifies his claim to the mantle.

HONEST: And that is?

FROG LORD: Consider the peasant family. Why do they work?

IMPORTANT: Because they have no alternative.

FROG LORD: Why do they seek virtue?

MORAL: The alternative is ostracism or punishment.

FROG LORD: If you trace these phenomena to the roots, you find a deeper explanation for them. By standing at the top of our hierarchy, I and my son create a need for the peasant's labor. We are a sink into which the excess wealth generated by our lands and laborers can fall. Similarly, by holding to moral principles, we create a social climate that enforces virtue. We are the ultimate origin of all punishment and shame. If we did not exist to proclaim morality and absorb the excess fruits of our estate, there would be no point in labor; no point in virtue; and the peasantry would fall into unproductive degeneracy.

IMPORTANT and MORAL look at HONEST.

HONEST: I can find no fault with that argument on purely logical grounds.

MORAL: Well, then. I suppose that he does have some right to the mantle; and all is settled.

IMPORTANT: Mm.

MORAL: Hm?

IMPORTANT: Mm.

MORAL: Hm?

IMPORTANT: Well, I had a thought.

HONEST: I am stunned.

IMPORTANT: You are maintaining that it is a virtue to absorb the labor and merit of others at no cost to oneself?

FROG LORD: I am; and I am, to be honest, startled if you disagree.

IMPORTANT: I do not. However, I have favored that garment from the moment I saw it; and I wish to exercise great personal virtue by removing it from your hands.

FROG LORD: But then I will have no case for the merits of my son.

IMPORTANT: Would you rather have a case and an angry panelist, or a happy panelist and no case? Surely you can accomplish much by casting aspersions upon the excommunicate; and perhaps there is enough time to think of a less fashionable strategy for influencing the verdict of this committee.

FROG LORD: Such as bribery?

IMPORTANT: Well, that is a strategy you might think of, although of course we on this panel cannot accept bribes from the candidates.

FROG LORD: Whatever was I thinking? The mantle is, of course, yours; and consider it a gift, not from my son, but from my people, whose distilled wisdom, honor, and merit will make it so thoroughly fetching upon your shoulders.

FROM SCENE 8: THE PIETY CONTEST This scene is set much as the above, save that the excommunicate is also present.

MORAL: After deep deliberation, we feel that the deciding factor in this disagreement should be piety. If there are two candidates, equally matched in other respects, than the one with the truer sense of faith should triumph; the one with the deeper morality should become the moral guardian of our realm. Thus, a test of piety shall determine which of you shall triumph in this dispute.

EXCOMMUNICATE: This seems subtly unfair.

MORAL: My honest cohort has insisted that we strive for fairness; for example, we will not automatically eliminate you from the contest simply by virtue of your excommunication.

EXCOMMUNICATE: Thank you.

FROG LORD: I ask to serve as my son's champion in this matter.

MORAL: Pardon?

FROG LORD: Well, in a duel of blades, one may ask for a champion; in a duel of faith, it seems only reasonable that the same principle would apply.

IMPORTANT: But surely there is less of a risk of violent death?

FROG LORD: At the same time, there is a greater risk of growing estranged from the path of light and inner peace.

HONEST: I think we should let him.

MORAL: You do?

HONEST: Well, I have just now realized that it is very difficult to measure the faith of a frog.

VOICE FROM UNDER THE STAGE UNDER THE FROG: Burr-up.

MORAL: Very well. The Frog Lord will serve as the frog's champion. Does the other candidate wish to appoint a champion?

EXCOMMUNICATE: Well, you yourself would make a fine champion.

HONEST: [coughs vigorously]

EXCOMMUNICATE: . . . but of course that would compromise your position on the panel. I think I will stand on my own spiritual merits.

MORAL: Very well. We will each test your faith by posing you a faith-related moral challenge. The one who handles two of them more capably than the other will stand triumphant.

FROG LORD: Let us begin.

IMPORTANT: Your lands are under fierce attack from inhuman monsters. At the same time, you feel dirtied by the darkness and horror of the world. Your soul desperately needs a few weeks of seclusion, so that you can purify yourself through meditation and contemplation. What do you do, great Lord of Frogs?

FROG LORD: [addressing the MORAL PRIEST] What is the correct answer in this case?

MORAL: [confidentially] Naturally, the state of your soul is preeminent in all things. Whatever happens to your lands and people---why, it is nothing more than material dross, events in this crass and impermanent world.

FROG LORD: [confidently] I seek a few weeks of seclusion, purifying myself through meditation and contemplation.

IMPORTANT: And you, excommunicate?

EXCOMMUNICATE: I am not sure. I have never experienced this "dirty" spiritual sensation you speak of.

MORAL: Not even when we cast you forever from the grace of the Light?

EXCOMMUNICATE: Was that for real? I thought it was just a political thing.

MORAL: [sternly] It was for real.

EXCOMMUNICATE: Good gracious. I suppose that both my lands and this spiritual dirtiness must wait; my first act must be to seek a priest and beg to find a way back into the Light.

HONEST: Both candidates have answered. How do you find, panelists?

MORAL: . . . Reluctantly, I must conclude that the excommunicate's act shows more sincerity to the principles of our faith than the frog's.

IMPORTANT: I concur.

FROG LORD: Impossible! How was I to perform that act of faith, never having been excommunicated?

HONEST: Perhaps you could insult a priest?

FROG LORD: I should have been informed of the necessity of offending a priest before the challenge was posed!

MORAL: It is too late for redress, in any event. The second question is before you. You are asked to judge a dispute between two nobles of your acquaintance. The first, the Duchess of Shin'Yougari, loaned an invaluable copy of Paraceln's teachings, written by the mystic's own hand, to the other. The second, the Viscount of Shinkyou, read those sacred words. Then, rather than returning the text, he donated it to the church. The Duchess claims that she has been wronged---that honor has been breached. The Viscount claims that no moral individual could withhold such a sacred document from the Church of Inner Light. Frog's champion, whom do you support?

FROG LORD: Is my answer here confidential?

MORAL: Pardon?

FROG LORD: I mean, is there any way in which the answer I choose could reach the ears of the various honorable nobles of our realm?

MORAL: Of course not. The discretion of our panel is legendary.

FROG LORD: Then I must humbly admit that I would side with the Viscount. No amount of honor can possibly stand against the spiritual value such a document would have to generations of church scholars.

IMPORTANT: Not even a very large amount of honor?

FROG LORD: Am I incorrect?

IMPORTANT: No, your answer is satisfactory. I was simply reflecting: that document has finite value to the Church, however great. So if there were enough honor on the other side of the equation, why, anyone would be logically compelled to adhere to honor rather than charity.

FROG LORD: I leave such fine points of philosophical argument to my fellows; I myself am a simple man.

MORAL: Well enough; and your answer, excommunicate?

EXCOMMUNICATE: I am confused. It had been my understanding that it was Paraceln's disciple Shiliya, and not Paraceln himself, who codified Paraceln's teachings.

[brief silence]

MORAL: Would both candidates and the champion step outside for a moment?

FROG LORD gathers up the FROG and steps outside with the EXCOMMUNICATE.

MORAL: [in agitation] Is this true?

IMPORTANT: It doesn't sound like something someone would make up.

HONEST: Don't look at me. No one ever tells an honest woman anything.

MORAL: But I have just this year spent half my fortune to obtain such a book!

IMPORTANT: On behalf of the Church, you mean?

MORAL: . . . yes, of course.

IMPORTANT: Well, if someone sold you a book for such a great price, then they must have deep confidence in its spiritual significance.

MORAL: A solid point. So we are agreed that the excommunicate's argument is invalid?

HONEST: It would seem odd if he were more informed regarding Paraceln's life than a stand-up priest like yourself.

MORAL: More to the point, we have no evidence that Paraceln did not write his own texts, in addition to any that Shiliya might have scribed.

HONEST: Granted.

MORAL: [raises voice] You may return!

ALL return. FROG LORD puts the FROG down.

MORAL: We have ruled against the excommunicate. With two challenges issued and answered, the contenders stand neck and neck in their piety. The final test shall decide all.

HONEST: I wish both candidates to seat themselves on the floor and engage in solemn meditation. Studying their faces, I will seek the elusive hints of true enlightenment.

FROG LORD: This test seems exceptionally amenable to bias.

HONEST: Do you actually believe that I am biased with regards to whether a frog or an excommunicate has deeper piety?

FROG LORD: Well---

IMPORTANT: You know, that could be formed into a marvelous riddle.

MORAL: I know a riddle!

IMPORTANT: A moment, contenders. My moral cohort wishes to share a nugget of enigmatic wisdom.

MORAL: What sounds does a star make, going out?

IMPORTANT: Pfft? Boom?

MORAL: No.

IMPORTANT: I knew I should have listened harder. What is it, then?

MORAL: These are the three sounds of a star going out: an occultist spending their soul for profit. A merchant spending their profit for revelry. And a noble reveling without thought for their soul.

IMPORTANT: Your insightful lesson serves as a stern source of instruction for us all!

FROG LORD: I too marvel at this wisdom; but I would like to get on with the meditation.

The FROG LORD and the EXCOMMUNICATE kneel. After a moment, light shines up on the EXCOMMUNICATE through holes on the stage beneath him.

MORAL: He is glowing!

IMPORTANT: Here now, sir, stop your glowing at once!

The EXCOMMUNICATE opens his eyes, and the glow fades.

EXCOMMUNICATE: Pardon?

MORAL: This is clearly an attempt to sway the panel by abusing a state of spiritual enlightenment, and we will not stand for it.

HONEST: If I may remind you, my moral friend, this test seeks to measure that very spiritual enlightenment you accuse him of abusing.

MORAL: Hm. You have a point. Still, glowing like that does seem prejudicial.

IMPORTANT: I am of a mercurial temper, and now feel that the excommunicate has demonstrated the greater spiritual wisdom.

MORAL: If you are both agreed, I suppose I would not wish to detract from our consensus by objecting.

FROG LORD: If I may speak a moment to you, most moral and important excellencies, outside?

MORAL nods, and MORAL, FROG LORD, and IMPORTANT shuffle backstage. Two screams are heard. FROG LORD returns.

FROG LORD: They have amended their votes, and now wish to declare my son the victory in this contest of piety.

HONEST: Then let them do so.

FROG LORD: Unfortunately, shortly after they made this decision, they saw a lady passing in the hall; and in their zeal to impress her with amateurish antics, they accidentally disemboweled and beheaded themselves.

EXCOMMUNICATE: So does love make fools of us all.

HONEST: [raps a gavel] Very well then. It is clearly in my best interest to rule in favor of the frog. Long may he live as prince consort of the realm.

EPILOGUE: The curtain pulls back to reveal the Honest Woman sitting beside the frog, stroking the mantle of authority that again sits upon its shoulders. The excommunicate enters. He is looking at the floor in a state of evident bashfulness, and does not see the frog.

EXCOMMUNICATE: It has occurred to me, lady, that I am now without a fiancee. And, well, throughout this great ordeal, I have been impressed with your [stammers] your grace and honesty. And I had thought that, perhaps, you might be interested---

HONEST: Your Excellency, I am flattered, but I was wedded to a minor lord last spring.

The EXCOMMUNICATE looks up and sees the frog.

EXCOMMUNICATE: Ah.

**CURTAIN FALLS**